Journal Myst Game III: 5 - ATMT Ep. 9
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AS THE MOLE TURNS

A musical interval embracing an octave and a second episode,

“Dance of the Starving Piccolos”

FADE IN

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CYCLOPSJESTER sits smugly in an overstuffed green chair, wearing a butterfly bathrobe with the CM logo embroidered into it, pink fuzzy rabbit slippers, and a Broken Hearts baseball cap.

INSERT OBVIOUS PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Close up of CM patch.

CYCLOPSJESTER
Try Cyber-Mole for your next online reality gaming experience! Brush up on your signage, remember how to play chess, and don’t forget your hyphens!

BACK TO SCENE

CyclopsJester sips hot tea somewhat seductively, then peers over to a bookshelf next to his chair. He scans the titles looking for a good tome to read. The titles:

- The Jangly Ones

- I, Cyclops

- Gentle Taunting and Brain Teasers for Dummies

CyclopsJester makes a face, grabs the remote control instead. He turns on the television set.

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT

MADAM X, dressed in a conservative blue jacket, white frilly blouse, hair swept up in an impressive beehive do, reads the news.

MADAM X
And there have been a rash of killings over the last few weeks, one per week. Authorities claim it’s a trio of brutal game show hosts that are showing no mercy. We have ace reporter EQ Beastlord reporting from the scene of the latest crime. EQ?

CUT TO:

EXT. GASPER CIGARETTE FACTORY - NIGHT

EQBeastlord, wearing an I’M NOT MEAN t-shirt, a brown top hat, holds a microphone in front of his face, nervously.

EQ BEASTLORD
Tonight, the eighth victim of the mysterious “Terrifying Trio” was discover lying in front of the Gasper Cigarette Factory. Sources close to the case say that the victim was a woman, only known as “Vickie”. Several mysterious items were found laying around her, those being --
(EQ checks his Mole journal)
Some of those items were a rhyming dictionary, a CD of platypus sounds, several used lighters, a poorly strung tennis racket, a ship’s wheel. a bagful of knights, and a burning cigarette still clenched between her lips.

Screen now shows a SECURITY GUARD, wearing a dirty suit, smoking. Name patch on the suit says RYAN.

RYAN
Yeah, I found her. Just lying on her back, wearing that stupid sailor’s hat.

EQ BEASTLORD
Do you work here?

RYAN
No, I’ve just been written into this script because I was “mistakenly” left out of the last one.

EQ BEASTLORD
Hidden clue folks?

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE NEWS STUDIO- SAME

MADAM X
EQ, is there any news on the perpetrators?

CUT TO:

EXT. GASPER CIGARETTE FACTORY - NIGHT

EQ BEASTLORD

No, Madam, there is no word on the whereabouts of the executioners. They’ve been spotted driving in a green ‘66 T-Bird convertible in crappy condition across the state lines into Alabama. They are armed and considered extremely dangerous. If they are not stopped, we may have three more fatalities until they are caught. Madam?

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CyclopsJester yawns, scratches his belly, and clicks his remote control.

CUT TO:

INT. DINAH SHORE SHOW

DINAH SHORE, wearing a spiffy pink pantsuit, laughs and applauds with the audience.

DINAH SHORE
Thank you, Clara Peller, and can you do it one more time for us?

CLARA PELLER (O.S.)
Where’s the Mole?

The audience goes crazy. Dinah coifs her hair, continues.

DINAH SHORE
I know where a famous television reporter has a mole, but that’s another show. Now, here is the vocal stylings of Richard Carpenter.

The curtain goes up, Richard Carpenter starts playing a song. He stops, looks into the camera.

RICHARD CARPENTER
Many of you realize that my sister passed away several years ago. But, since retro is in, I’ve decided to make a comeback. And, I have found a replacement for her. Everyone, please welcome my newest sidekick, Joan Baez!

Audience applauds. The curtains part, MARK comes out in a Karen Carpenter costume.

RICHARD CARPENTER
Welcome Joan.

MARK
I’m supposed to be Karen Carpenter!

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CYCLOPSJESTER
God, that joke is getting old.

CyclopsJester yawns, blows bubbles in his milk, and clicks his remote control.

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE SET - DAY

JACKIE has her arms wrapped around MAX’s chest. Her hands form a balled up first, drawing them up and into Max’s chest. Max ‘s face is blue.

JACKIE
And now, to perform the Heimlich, you need to thrust in and up, in and up!

Jackie demonstrates the technique, Max spits up a knight.

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CyclopsJester yawns, does the hula, and clicks his remote control.

CUT TO:

INT. DEN - NIGHT

JIM sits in a giant leather chair, smoking a pipe, in a rich, comfortable robe, a huge book on his lap. Classical music plays in the background.

JIM
(addressing camera, in a wickedly bad English accent)
Good evening, and welcome to another episode of MasterMole Theater. Tonight’s episode is a devilishly clever piece of work by one of the mystery world’s most talented writer, Mr. Simon Mole-Worth, entitled, “Mom, A Heel Skirt”. Odd, huh?

Jim takes another deep inhaled breath, and blows out a bunch of bubbles from his pipe.

JIM
Now, last time we saw Karen, who plays the Mom, she was just expressing her undying love to Heir Handy, noted deceiver and liar.

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CyclopsJester yawns, burps the alphabet, clicks his remote control.

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE MART SET - DAY

RON POPIEL and Madam X stare mindlessly smiling into the camera.

RON POPIEL
And now, everyone, you can get your own Mole Catcher 2002 today! All from Mole Mart!

MADAM X
(rather mindlessly, like a Stepford wife)
How much is it Ron?

RON POPIEL
It’s all yours for 19.99!

AUDIENCE, made up of all the executed players, audibly gasps, then applauds wildly.

AUDIENCE
It can’t be!

RON POPIEL
It can!

MADAM X
A can?

Madam X discovers a can of Formula Number 9 Hair System for Men.

INSERT OBVIOUS PRODUCT PLACEMENT

Madam X looks into directly into camera.

MADAM X
Hair in a can! Just spray it on to someone’s bald head, and they’ll look like they have hair! All for only 300.00!

BACK TO SCENE

MADAM X
Let’s try this on Ron!

RON POPIEL
... so I know all of you want to catch those pesky CyberMoles in your backyard.

AUDIENCE
Oh yes Ron!

RON POPIEL
Have I got the Mole Catcher for you. You see, there was a hidden clue in Episode 5....

Madam X sneaks up behind Ron’s bald head and douses it in the spray. Ron turns around, gets some spray in his face, and bursts into flame.

AUDIENCE
(disappointedly)
Oh!

MADAM X
Well, I guess that did cure his baldness...

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CyclopsJester yawns, picks his nose with chopsticks, and clicks his remote control.

CUT TO:

INT. PRISON CELL - NIGHT

Martha Stewart, dressed in a fetching black and white striped print, talks into the camera.

MARTHA STEWART
And all of you can make some lovely planters from these bent up license plates that I made! All you need is a blow torch, seven screws from the screws, and Big Momma Melons who will bend the plates for you.

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CYCLOPSJESTER
Yesterday!

CyclopsJester yawns, writes an aria entitled Mole Movement #2 (for Jaron), clicks his remote control.

INT. THE NEWLYMOLE GAME SET - DAY

THREE COUPLES sit together. BOB EUBANKS stands to the side, laughing.

BOB EUBANKS
Ok, couples, the next question is, “Where was the first place you made whoopee?”. Jim?

JIM looks extremely uncomfortable.

JIM
Oh god. I’d have to say, the bathroom.

BOB EUBANKS
And Jaron... Jaron, where is he?

JIM
I just told you. He’s in the bathroom.

BOB EUBANKS
Oh, right, ok. Mark, what do you think Alec said?

MARK
He didn’t say much, but my guess it was on stage.

BOB EUBANKS
Alec, would you show your card please?

Alec sits quietly in the corner, strumming his guitar.

BOB EUBANKS
(freakin’ out)
Alec! I’ll pretend you NEVER said that! This is a PG television show!

Mark thwacks Alec with a card. Alec twings one string.

Bob Eubanks straighten his tie and coat, and smoothes his hair.

BOB EUBANKS
Ok, now, Karen, if you get this question right, you’ll be tonight’s grand prize winner. And remember, it’s a two month long trip to MOLE WORLD! I heard they have a new ride there, “Sign of the Times” where you get to chop down 14 signs with anger and deep aggression. Fun!

KAREN
Ok, Bob. I think Max said “something special with his wife!”

MAX
Oh honey. I told you that wasn’t the right answer.

BOB EUBANKS
Max, pull down your CyberMole t-shirt and show us the answer.

MAX holds up a sign that said, “Standing Dart Cabinet with Dart Board”.

KAREN
Max, that doesn’t even make sense.

MAX
Let’s face it. Nothing in this game does.

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CyclopsJester yawns, adjusts his Midget Mole briefs, clicks his remote control.

CUT TO:

INT. COOKING SHOW SET - DAY

A MAN sits at a table with his back to the camera. ANNOUNCER speaks.

ANNOUNCER
And now, straight from his starring performance in Episode 4. It’s our favorite show all about seafood, named after the lovable guy with a big sheepish grin, i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it’s Rocky!

ROCKY turns around with a big sheepish grin on his face. Two people clap.

ROCKY
Thanks Don, and welcome everyone to my cooking show, Rocky’s Mountain Oyster Show!

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CyclopsJester yawns, yodels “The Lonely Goatherd”, clicks his remote control.

CUT TO:

INT. THE OPRAH SHOW - DAY

OPRAH sits in her huge chair, holding on to a pair of hands. Her GUEST weeps openly into a tissue.

OPRAH
And now, tell us, tell America, what happened next.

GUEST
Well... I can’t, I can’t.

OPRAH
You can do it. If you don’t, I’ll get Dr. Phil out here and he’ll beat the hell out of you.

EQBEASTLORD raises his head, tears streaming down his face.

EQBEASTLORD
All of them hate me! They hate me!

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CYCLOPSJESTER
Tired!

CyclopsJester yawns, relines his cupboards with fuschia paper, clicks his remote.

CUT TO:

INT. STAGE - DAY

The simple school stage, floor covered with dirt, and a farm scene in the background. A giant vine grows up from stage left.

CyclopsJester walks out, carrying a megaphone and a director’s beret.

CYCLOPSJESTER
Okay, all of you here! We’re going to start our rehearsal now. Wait, is that an usherette I see? Now, I want to do this scene once, and don’t act heretically. We need to get through this. Ok, everyone. Action!

PHIL, JENNA, LISA, ANDY, Ryan, Vickie, Rocky, Jackie all come out dressed as Keystone Cops. They bump and fumble into each other, falling over each other, falling down.

KAREN comes out, dressed in poor woman’s clothes.

KAREN
Oh, dear, look what has grown in my yard. What’s a mother to do? Oh Jack? Jack?

Mark comes out wearing lederhosen, and a jaunty cap with a feather.

MARK
Oh yes Mother of All Moles?

KAREN
Dear, what is that tall shaft growing yonder?

Mark adjusts his lederhosen nervously.

MARK
Oh you mean that? I dropped some beans awhile back, and they were magical, magical from the Latin word magicus meaning “story to tell parents that’s full of crapola.”

KAREN
And what are all of those Keystone Cops doing on our farm?

MARK
I am not sure. CyclopsJester invited them. I’ve never seen them before. CJ, why are the Keystone Cops in our Jack and the Beanstalk play?

CYCLOPSJESTER
For comedic relief.

Alec, stage right, pulls out his guitar and starts playing.

KEYSTONE COPS
(sung to the tune of Oh, Susanna)

Oh, we came to play an online game,
For weeks and weeks on end,
It turns out we didn’t last that long,
for we didn’t really attend.
We miss the game so, so much,
But we have fun lurking around,
And making spooky noises too,
We all will fully rebound.

Oh, you darn Mole!
Oh, don’t you cry for us,
We’re coming back to haunt you
And we’ll make the biggest fuss!

Jim, acting as narrator,wearing a Cher costume, stands in front of a large podium, closing a big book.

JIM
And the Keystone Cops arrested Mark and his mother for illegal use of beans. They were placed in a cell between the cast of Seinfeld and Martha Stewart. And they all lived happily, wonderfully decorated lives, ever after. The end!

Curtain falls down.

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS DEN - NIGHT

CyclopsJester openly weeps, picks his bully button lint, and clicks the television off.

Madam X walks in, hair swept up in a black turban, wearing a leopard print robe with matching faux leopard fur, smoking a gasper.

MADAM X
Anything on television tonight CJ?

CYCLOPSJESTER
Nah, nothing worth watching. How about we write the next round of puzzles.

MADAM X
Good idea! I’ve got an idea for a round of puzzles written in entirely in Chinese.

CYCLOPSJESTER
Oh, how devilish! How about we make them take photographs of themselves with a CyberMole tattoo on their <DELETED FOR DECENCY>.

MADAM X
Oh dear, that merely one idea. I’m sure we’ll think of some more.

They begin to shuffle out of the room.

MADAM X
CJ, is that a bald spot I see?

FADE OUT