AS THE MOLE TURNS

Episode, the Sixth

FADE IN

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

An air of mystery and intrigue permeates the room. Cobwebs hang unfettered in from the ceiling. Mist mysteriously rolls in and out of the rooms, followed by the unseen beating of bats wings. Too spooky organ music playing a slow, meandering version of “The Mole” theme fades in and out randomly.

LISA and JIM enter the room, each wearing a Sherlock Holmes disguise.

LISA
I don’t like the look of this episode, Jim.

JIM
Me neither Lisa. Get your spicule ready!

They reach into their pockets and pull out six foot long knitting needles.

LISA
I see you found yours in the fodder sheaf plant!

JIM
Finally!

In front of them, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE looms.

LISA
Identity your self-same being, or I’ll be forced to hurl this knight at you!

JIM
(whispering)
Lisa, you don’t have a knight. You couldn’t solve that puzzle!

LISA
Shhh! He doesn’t know that.

The figure looming in the distance laughs gutturally, pulls out a gun, and shoots copious amounts of bouillabaisse at them. They fall on the ground, dead. The figure laughs, and disappears into the mist.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Jaron, sitting on a convenient bathroom appliance, reads “MOLE MONTHLY” magazine.

JARON
Ah, here is the article, “Avoiding Execution at all costs!” by “Mike” of Mole Hill. That was one of my best ones!

A KNOCK on the door interrupts his reading.

JARON
Hello?
(there is no answer)
Does someone need to use the bathroom?

The doorknob starts to turn, slowly.

JARON
Hey wait, I’m the only one in this game allowed to use the bathroom!

The door swings open. Fog pours into the bathroom. Jaron’s eyes grow wide open, and he screams.

JARON
Goodness, it’s the Cyber-Mole!

The mysterious figure hurls a rapid amount of toilet paper rolls at Jaron. Instantly, he is buried in the avalanche. The only thing remaining his is hand sticking out of the pile, holding his magazine. The figure laughs, takes the magazine, and disappears into the fog.

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS KITCHEN - NIGHT

KAREN and VICKIE are busily preparing dinner.

VICKIE
I’m glad you have dropped the Swedish chef act,
It was funny for awhile, but in comedy it lacked,
Speaking of comedy, I really need a smoke,
Have you seen my lighter, you silly willy bloke?

KAREN
Ummm, no Vickie. I’ve not seen your lighter anywhere. I think there is a lighter on the counter over there.

VICKIE
The lighter over there of which you mean,
Is it the one that is glowing bright green?
I don’t know if I should use that one to light
My smokes, it just doesn’t seem right.

KAREN
Come on Vickie. What harm could it do?

Vickie walks to the counter, and picks up the lighter to examine it closely.

INSERT - CLOSE UP ON LIGHTER
Bright green lighter with the words WWW.CYBER-MOLE.COM written on it, and the words BIC in flashing yellow letters.

BACK TO SCENE

VICKIE
(directly to camera, holding up the BIC lighter)
Oh, this is an okay lighter to use,
It’s from Bic, the company with which you cannot lose,
America’s Number 1 selling lighter,
To use one, you couldn’t be righter!

Vickie walks back to Karen, takes out a cigarette, places it in her mouth.

KAREN
Just be careful not to get any ashes in my platypi pot pies!

Vickie lights the flame. The lighter explodes in her hand, vaporizing Karen and Vickie in a green cloud. The mysterious figure, peeking from behind the kitchen door, laughs evilly, and leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE BALLROOM - NIGHT

Five silver coffins all lay in a row, each with the name of an executed player written on it. From inside each coffin, several peals of giggles emanate. MARK and ANDY carefully examine each one.

MARK
(still dressed as Karen Carpenter)
I thought we buried each executed player?

ANDY
(still dressed as Madonna, he must really like this costume)
Apparently, there must have been a technical glitch on the posting board. We’ll have to tell EQ about it.

MARK
Yeah, you should know about technical glitches, Mr. Zero Hits!

ANDY
Hey, I had a technical problem.

MARK
(surveying the coffins carefully)
Andy, I don’t think they are really executed.

ANDY
What makes you say that?

MARK
They are laughing at us from the graveyard. I think it’s driving the audience crazy, crazy from the Latin word crazius, meaning “nine people who willingly volunteer to play an online cyber game which subjects them to demented torturous puzzles, back stabbing players, and overly intelligent hosts”.

ANDY
Speaking of crazy, why are you still wearing your Cher outfit?

Mark slaps Andy hard.

ANDY
Ouch! Don’t slap my hands!

One of the coffins begins to rumble.

MARK
Wait a minute, look at this coffin Andy. It’s not like all the others.

ANDY
What do you mean?

Instantly, the lid of the coffin pops open, strike MARK and ANDY in the chins, knocking them on the floor.

The mysterious figure laughs, hops out of the fake coffin, and disappears into the mist.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

A full moon sends light through the barren trees, sending weird and crazy shadows all over the place. MAX, wearing a SCUBA diving outfit, holds a shovel. He looks over the graves of the five executed players.

MAX
Ah, poor Rocky, we knew you well. You were the life of the party, and now you are the death of it.

Suddenly, a scream emanates from the forest. Max turns, shaking.

MAX
Who’s there?

He sees the mysterious figure for a moment, before he disappears into the mist. MAX runs as fast as he can with flippers towards the direction of the noise. Before arriving, he pulls out his chess board and holds it up in the air.

MAX
Hey! I’ve got a chessboard and I’m NOT afraid to use it!

Max looks down on the ground, and screams.

ALEC lays on the ground, no longer quietly strumming his guitar, but currently mortally wounded by it. It is sticking out of a sensitive area of his persona.

MAX
Oh no, Alec! Did the CM get you?

The mysterious figure suddenly appears behind Max. Max turns around, and screams. Just as he does, the mysterious figure backs up, and a giant knight falls from the sky, squishing Max.

FIGURE
That will teach you to threaten me with a chessboard!

The mysterious figure floats off, towards Mole Headquarters.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

MADAM X, CYCLOPSJESTER, EQBEASTLORD confer on the steps of the front of the building.

MADAM X
Someone has killed off all of our players.

CYCLOPSJESTER
Then it couldn’t be the CM, could it?

EQBEASTLORD
Do you guys think I’m mean?

MADAM X
Now, we have a mystery to solve! Shall we get Jeeves or Constable Cuff?

CYCLOPSJESTER
No, they are useless. Besides, I’m missing my gloves and my hands are getting cold. We should call in the the only team that can solve it. What do you think EQ?

EQBEASTLORD
Do you guys think I’m mean?

MADAM X
Ok, let’s do it!

Madam X summons her military voice, and screams loudly. From the distance, a van drives up the long, winding road towards Mole Headquarters, written on the side, MYSTERY MACHINE.

Out hops FRED, VELMA, DAPHNE, SHAGGY, and SCOOBY

FRED
You have a mystery to solve?

CYCLOPSJESTER
A mysterious figure has killed off all of our players. You’ll need to find out who!

SHAGGY
A mysterious figure! I’m scared. Let’s go back to our pretty awful, but summer blockbuster movie!

SCOOBY
I rant a Rooby Rack!
SHAGGY
No, you want Lassie.

VELMA
(cozying up to Madam X)
And I’d like to get to know you better. You’ve been in the military, right honey?

CYCLOPSJESTER
We don’t have time for this. Find out whose been killing our players!

FRED
Sorry! Anyway, do you have a mysterious gardener? An Old Mister Granger?

All three hosts shake their heads.

VELMA
(to Madam X)
I bet you look hot in military fatigues!

DAPHNE
We will set a trap, and catch the Mysterious Figure! Shaggy, Scooby, you put your lives in danger. Velma will help you. Fred and I will get everything ready in the back of the van.

Fred and Daphne start making out.

SHAGGY
Don’t mind them. They just got married.

MADAM X
Fred and Daphne?

SHAGGY
No, Freddy Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Doesn’t anyone read People magazine anymore?

EQBEASTLORD
Do you think I’m mean?

The mysterious figure floats right by all the characters.

CYCLOPSJESTER
There it is! Grab him!

EQ grabs the Mysterious Figure.

FIGURE
Get your hands off me, you meany!

EQ starts to cry.

FRED
Good job solving this Mystery Team. Now let’s find out who is behind all of this!

CUT TO:

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

All the dead players, the hosts, and the Mystery Machine Team gather around the tied up Mysterious Figure.

MADAM X
(slapping Velma’s hand away)
Ok, now let’s find out who is our Mysterious Figure!

Madam X pulls off the mask and reveals... RICHARD NIXON!

Everyone gasps.

CYCLOPSJESTER
No, that’s not Richard Nixon! It’s just a mask.

CyclopsJester pulls off the Nixon mask to reveal.... MADAM X!

Everyone gasps.

EQBEASTLORD
No, that’s not Madam X! It’s just a mask. The real Madam X’s face is much sterner.

EQ pulls off the Madam X mask to reveal.... PHIL!

Everyone gasps. All the dead players sit up.

MAX
What are you doing Phil?

PHIL
Oh, I wanted to be in another AS THE MOLE TURNS episode! I was only in one of them! I’m so lonely. So I decided to come back to get my revenge. And I would have if it wasn’t for you stupid kids!

MADAM X
Phil, it was actually EQ that caught you. The Mystery Machine kids were only here for a cheap laugh.

Scooby walks over to Phil, sniff him, and starts to lift his leg.

JARON
Hey, don’t, I said that’s MY job!

LISA
Well, now that we are all okay, how about we forget this all happened, and execute Phil one more time!

MARK
Good idea Lisa!

The remaining players pick up Phil, carrying him screaming to the execution block.

MADAM X
(wiping a tear from her eye)
CJ, our players are growing up!

VELMA
(grabbing Madam’s arm)
I love a senstive woman...

FADE OUT