AS THE MOLE TURNS

Episode 4

FADE IN

INT. MOLE HEADQUARTERS KITCHEN- DAY

MARK, VICKIE, JACKIE, LISA stand in a semicircle, wearing tall, white, geeky chef’s hats, with KAREN in front of the cooking island. He bright green chef’s hat has “I AM THE MOLE” written on it. A giant television camera turns on, and Karen begins singing with a Swedish accent.

KAREN
(swinging a ladle, striking Mark and Lisa repeatedly)
Der-do-do-do-do-do-do!
Der-do-doink-doink-doink!

JACKIE
(wearing an I AM THE MOLE t-shirt)
Karen, this isn’t the Muppet Show.

KAREN
Der take de animal, und yu furst plunk und stuff it.

VICKIE
(holding a giant sign with a green arrow pointing at her cigarette)
Mark, I do not know what she is making.
She could be broiling, she could be baking!
Do you have any idea of what it will be?

MARK
(wearing a sandwich board that says “I AM THE MOLE”)
No I don’t, but oh my goodness, I’m breaking out in poetry!
Vickie, dear one, you’ve got me speaking in rhyme,
and frankly, I do not have the time,
I have a Mole to find and pluck
so that I might get those 200 buck(s).

LISA
(has the words MOLE written in green magic marker on her forehead)
Oh dear, I’m fearful that we won’t finish the recipe with this cooking crew! Crew, from the British word crow, meaning “a group of dullards with no apparent leader that mull around a pot hoping to watch water boil”.

KAREN
Und den you tek dur creeture und you poot et en a reely big pot!

Karen grabs a pot from the shelf, swings it down, and hits Mark on the head, knocking him unconscious.

JACKIE
There, that ought to cure him of speaking in poetry,
Speaking of Jaron, has he gone out to pee?

LISA
Jackie, the humorous quips regarding Jaron utilizing the relief facilities are rapidly lapsing into redundancy and decrepitness.

JACKIE
Decrepit, from Latin, decrepitus, meaning “one who is over thirty years old in CyberMole!”

KAREN
Und den you tek dur pot und you shuv et en dur oven et 262, 263, 257 or 261 de-grees!

MARK
(waking up, rubbing head)
I need some smokes.
I’m growing weary of all you blokes.

ALEC sits quietly in the corner strumming his guitar.

CUT TO:

INT. CYBERMOLE HEADQUARTERS DINING ROOM - DAY

MAX, ANDY, JIM busily hover around a fancy dining room table, strewn with empty checkerboards, chemistry tubes and burners, and incomplete hamburgers.

MAX
(wearing bright green Speedos with the word MOLE written.... somewhere)
Are they done cooking yet?

JIM
(peeking in the door, wearing bright green glasses with the words RYAN WAS THE MOLE written on them)
No, it looks like Mark is recovering from a serious head wound and Karen has lapsed into some bad imitation of Bjorn Borg. I think she’s making Mole Stew. Oh wait.... Vickie’s just tossed her cigarette into the pot.

ANDY
(wearing green body paint with the words ME MOLE written in lipstick across his chest)
Well, we might as well begin setting the table. Where are the styrofoam plates, plates from the, and I love this, VULGAR Latin word plattus, meaning “a small meat-eating animal from Australia or Tasmania that allowed Vickie to get a special Twist card and make everyone else in the game really mad”.

JIM
Uh, Andy, that was platypus.

ANDY
King me, Mr. Late Arrival.

JIM
I COULDN’T SEE THE CHAT ICON, OK????

MARK
(coming into dining room from kitchen with arms raised in a flourish)
Hey, did someone mention the Twist?

60’s music, a la the TV show “Laugh-In” suddenly plays in the room, multicolored lights start to flash, GOLDIE HAWN, RUTH BUZZI and JO ANNE WORLEY run out from behind some curtains and everyone breaks out into a wild, psychedelic dancing.

After a minute, the music stops and everyone freezes.

GOLDIE HAWN
Hey Jim, what do you call a CyberMole player who comes late to game night?

JIM
Goldie, are you referring to me? That's getting quite old!

GOLDIE HAWN
No, cutie, I'm talking about Jarmichael!

The music starts, everyone continues dancing, and then stops, and everyone freezes.

A door with a black moon painted on it. It opens quickly, and JARON sticks his head out.

JARON
(wearing a huge green cowboy hat with the words “I AM THE MOLE” on it)
Everyone THINKS I'm in the bathroom, but I'm really have to be the Mole in my other game too!

The music starts, everyone continues dancing, and then stops, and everyone freezes.

RUTH BUZZI
Max, what do you call a horse on a chessboard?

MAX
(doing best Groucho Mark impression)
I can't remember Ruthie, so let’s call it “a knight”!

The music starts, everyone continues dancing, and then stops, and everyone freezes.

JO ANNE WORLEY
Ok Andy, here is your big chance! Say it!

ANDY
Stick it to me!

RICHARD NIXON sticks his head out from a small secret door in the wall.

RICHARD NIXON
That’s sock it to me, son, sock it to me!

Andy walks over and punches Nixon in the chin.

The music starts, everyone continues dancing, and JARON enters. He walks over to Max, stopping briefly to remove some paper stuck to his shoe, and slaps Max hard on the back.

JARON
Hey there Mole....errr, Max, I mean.

Max begins to cough, small at first, but then, with increasing severity. The music stops, people run out of the kitchen, and everyone, except Alec, who sits quietly in the corner strumming his guitar, begin to panic around Max.

LISA
I think he’s coughing up a hair ball!

RICHARD NIXON
Hair ball , coined in Britain in 1712, meaning “the best place to hide eighteen minutes of missing tapes”.... whoops, did I say that?

Max turns yellow, then blue, and then a shade of bright green before spitting out the object lodged in his throat. Andy picks it up.

ANDY
It’s a knight!

MARK
So that’s how Max solved the chess puzzle first!

GOLDIE HAWN
Hey, everyone, I’m getting tired so let’s call it....

EVERYONE
A KNIGHT!

Music starts, everyone begins to dance in their crazy way. Rocky opens the door.

ROCKY
(wearing an “I WENT TO MOLE HEADQUARTERS AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID T-SHIRT” t-shirt)
Hey, where is my meal?

FADE OUT